An Ode to Being a N00b

It is 6.23 pm, we are driving back to town after a day of climbing. My "warm-up" turned into a project and I am unreasonably upset about it. I dissociate. I can hear myself saying "It is just 6c, can't believe I slipped there". I begin to wonder, how did I end up here?

Just a couple of years ago, I would be over the moon sending a 6c route, let alone realistically trying to onsight it, successful or no. Now I find myself looking down on what is undeniably a big progress and somehow I am upset about it?? What the hell happened?

Well, what happened is I got better at climbing (duh) so I am no longer a beginner. Which sucks.

I feel like I confused some of you, so let me explain.

I have been a beginner in a lot of things in my life. I mean A LOT of things. Learning new stuff in itself is kind of a hobby for me (ADHD says hi). This means, I pick up a lot of seemingly random stuff and start working my way through them. Most of these do not survive the withdrawal of the initial dopamine hit but some do. The ones that did survive that withdrawal, I kinda got good at. Well, relatively speaking.

This brings us back to why getting better at something kinda sucks. At first, when I am a noob at something, the enjoyment of the activity is instant and very fulfilling. At that point, the very act of doing-the-thing is its reward. It is a whole new world that you step into, everything is wonderous. You are like a baby who is just discovering the world and it is awesome.

And then you get better.

Much like growing up, it kind of diminishes the wonder bit by bit. By the time you are an "adult" in whatever world you are in, a lot of the existing in the said world is more about going through the motions, and "accomplishing" things instead of just enjoying the fact that you exist in a wonderful world. This is true for every. single. thing.

At this point "growth" seems like a code-word for dejection.

Well, I never wanted to grow up. Not really. And certainly not in my climbing.

It is 6.24 pm. I stop dissociating. I very actively push aside the disappointed, egotistical adult and say "This place is paradise. I can't wait to try again tomorrow. I hope I don't get scared at the run-out bit. I really wanna send it.". To my surprise, I find that I am not lying. I notice I am in fact a beginner again. I never tried onsighting things, not really, or climbing a lot of different things quickly. A route here and there each year maybe, but not consistently, and certainly not in a dedicated enough way to make it out of the beginner stage. So yeah, I am a n00b.

And it is wonderful. Here is to being n00bs forever.